Just     Rainbow...

"...Remember all the sadness and frustration

and let it go..."

-Linkin Park, Iridescent

Letters

There are those letters in my head, you know?
All those letters I never sent, only written as thoughts. You'll never know they exist and you'll never receive any of them. They're just in my head and stay there forever until the ink fades away.

I wrote that I want to rang at your door, and when you come out I would just scream at you, how dare you, and I'd punch you against your chest with my fists, but it would be as I'd be a child and you'd be a rock. I would cry and sobbing and yell at you that you left me, that you broke all your promises and I hat you, cause I can't hate you. And after all you will take me in your arms, keep me, home again, and never ever let me walk away from you.
I wrote you'd come back to me and say you're sorry you walked away, sorry you didn't tell me what was going on in your life and didn't let me help you. You ask me, if I'm still your best friend and your sister and if I'd love you anyway. And I forgive you everything, cause I love you, and never ever let you walk away from me.
I wrote You yell at me, cause everything went wrong and that you'd hate everything. You don't want this shit anymore, just wanna snap out of it all. There's so much pain inside you that won't fade away. And you'd say I couldn't help you and that it would be better if I would walk away. But I wouldn't. I just hug you, even if you fight back and then you'll get calm and I never ever let you walk away from me.
I wrote I would sit at your doormat and write you an sms that I'm there and if you want you could come downstairs and talk to me. If not, it would would be alright as well. And I am waiting a few minutes and then you finally come and just stand there, ashamed you keep away this long without saying a word. I would stand up and look at you, insecure what will happen, if you'll just tell me to stay away or say sorry. But you would just keep me save in your arms and never let me walk away from you.

I wrote letters that I wanna all those things. That I love you in every way you can love a person. I told you all the things you should know, that I never walk away, and even if you tell me to, I'd stay as distanced as it's needed but close enough to be there if you only would think about my name.
That I will always forgive you for everything you did and I'll always love you and I wrote to you that you're everything I need and want and that it's okay if I'm not that important to you. Just let me keep a small role in your life, even if it's the smallest one.
I wrote you, that all I wanted was to chat with you again. I wanna talk to you again, hear your voice. I got the mobile phone in my hand already but then I threw it away, cause I not even knew if you'd answer.
I wrote about all the tears I shed and all the things I did just to get you out of my head, but everything was in vain. Nothing worked, you are always there.
And as long as my heart keeps beating you'll be with me.

I wrote even more, but it's just all in my head and you won't know any single word from just only one letter, because you'll never ask.

Up-side down and screwed over. You make me confused and total excited I don’t know your next words, I don’t know what you wanna tell me. I’m insecure about everything and it feels like I’m falling through empty space for eternity.
You make my heart beat faster and my mind going tangled.. You make me feeling far away from everything and close to nothing. It doesn’t feel like I’m stumbling but as my feet are ripped off the ground. You make me fall and doesn’t put new ground under my feet but this way I won’t hit any ground. And there’s no way but keep the trust in you.
Will you be there when I take my last breath? Will you be there when I shed my last tear? Will we are what we’re supposed to be, or are we supposed to be what we are? Will we are whatever….

So grab my heart and take what you need, i won't resist only for one nanosecond. Take all of me telling you never would and leave me shaken and sucked. Alone with all the left emptiness within. 

I won’t show resistance. I’ll let you go on again and again and again and fill myself again when you’re finished. One day I will be free and then I’m gonna go. I won’t be angry I won’t be mad at you. I’ll just be free and walk away, will leave you alone with all your failures and everything you did without letting you know what’s going on in my mind and my heart.
Tell them I was happy, tell them it was a fine life there and tell them I will  be good and I will make it. I will make it. But I will without you and without your words. I’m going to live for my own and on my own and without everyone. Cause I’ve had learned my lesson and I will never forget. Never forget what you’ve done. You still forgot, didn’t you? It’s okay, forget, but I won’t.
So take what you want, what you need and what you think to want and to need, and after that, set me free.